The Importance of Fatherhood

 

 The Missing Parent: Chapter 12-Teenage Parents Talk About the Meaning of Early Parenthood: Keith Tuffin, Gareth Rouch, Karen Frewin 

1. 1. When the fathers first found out they were having a child, the study showed that there was a significant change in the boy’s attitudes and behavior. Most of them became more involved with preparing for parenthood with the mother, they started working more hours. The fathers had to switch from the teenager mindset to a provider and father mindset, which a lot of them did gladly. When the authors interviewed the fathers, one of them said it wasn’t about what he wanted in life anymore, it’s about his child’s future and what he can do for them. 

2. 2. A lot of teenage fathers grew up in abusive homes and was surrounded by bad influences. Their own fathers often weren’t around and it had a big impact on their lives regarding security at home and a steady job. They didn’t want that for their child, and so the teenaged fathers when interviewed said that they try to be as involved with their child and their mother as much as possible. They also expressed how they want to move to somewhere new so that their child can grow up in a safer environment that where they grew up. 

3. 3. When they found out they were going to become fathers, the men began to reach out to their family members more and tried to create deeper connections with them, especially their parents and the parents of the mother. They spent more time with their family, and in turn their home life became happier. 

4. 4. One of the biggest struggles is finishing education and getting a full-time time with good wages. Often, the father would have to work menial jobs for hours a day with little pay. This puts a strain on the father-child relationship and their relationship with their partner because they aren’t able to spend the time needed with them and their baby. The fathers also wanted to finish their education so they could get better jobs, which also took time away from their families. 

5. 5. Relationship with the mother has a huge impact on the involvement of the father. When the father is in a loving relationship with the mother, they want to be more involved and they work harder to provide for their family. On the other hand, there are fathers who view their child as a way for the mom to “entrap them”, and so they reject being a father and basically leave the responsibility of being a parent to the mother. 

 

My dad is one of the biggest influences in my life and I am so thankful that he is in my life. One of my favorite experiences with him is when we go exercising on the Greenway trails in Arkansas. Sometimes we would bike to the lake or we would go running. My dad was going to school at this time and so he was often away or doing homework, and so exercising with him was how we spent time together. When we went running, he and I would have really good conversations about what’s going on in our lives and we would talk about different topics. I got to know my dad a lot more than I did before, and developed a deep appreciation and respect for him. 

If there is one thing that I know for certain is that my dad loves his family. He has always put his family first and always makes sure everyone is taken care of. I grew up in the military and so my dad was gone a lot. But when he was home, he would take us camping, fishing, and road trips. He could have easily made the excuse that he was tired, but he didn’t. He is a great example to me of what it means to be a kind, hardworking father that loves his family. The world today has downplayed the importance of fathers which is so sad because fathers bring a sense of security to a home and a lot of my values and goals in life were inspired through the example of my dad. 

 

Communication Between Couples

 Communication is one of the things that I’ve seen that either will grow a couple closer together or will tell them apart. Communication is not just verbal, but it is also nonverbal as well, which is even more important. People can say anything they want, but their bodies and the tone of their voice is what conveys how that person really feels. For example, let’s say a couple is trying to decide where they want to eat, but each person wants something different. Finally, one person gives a sigh and says, “Ok, let’s go eat where you want, I don’t care.”, but when they said it, they rolled their eyes. Now if you just heard that, you would think that they were fine wherever they ate, but their body language told the other person how they were truly feeling.  

Nonverbal communication is the most effective way to gauge a situation because it can give the other person a reading of what their significant other is feeling right now. I’ve noticed in my life that girls use nonverbal communication a lot more than guys do. For example, one time my friend and I were at a party and I noticed that she liked a guy at the party. I gave her a look and we had about a two-minute conversation about the guy right in front of him without saying anything. Guys on the other hand, use more verbal communication, which can sometimes be hard for me because sometimes I need to tell a guy something but don’t want to attract attention, so I would give him a look. Every time, the guy would get confused and so I would have to pull him to the side and tell him, but by then people have noticed. 

Learning how to communicate with each person is crucial in maintaining a good relationship with them. Some people like up front communication where the person tells them exactly how they feel, whereas other people are used to communicating more through gestures and don’t talk as much. One thing I noticed about myself is that I don’t really like voicing how I’m feeling about certain subjects because I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings. For me, words are very concrete and unless I’m sure about something, I don’t voice how I feel about it. This semester I started dating this guy and one thing I really appreciate about him is that he is very honest with me about how he is feeling, and it has helped me become more honest in how I feel too. In the past, when I know a guy likes me, I would beat around the bush about how I felt because I didn’t want to accidentally lead them on and hurt their feelings. But now I am a lot more up front with my thoughts, and I have seen the change in my own life. My communication skills have improved, and it’s a lot easier for me to connect with people. 

The reason why communication between spouses is because without it, they won’t be able to make the important decisions in their life without having major conflict. My professor talked about that he and his wife have a system when they need to talk about anything major in their life. They first set a time and place, usually at night in their room. Then before they even start talking about what the meeting is about, they first tell each other things that they love about each other. This sets a good atmosphere to the room and creates a space of love and respect. Then they pray together to ask for the Lord’s guidance in making their decision. He told me then they would talk about what impressions they got and once they reached the same conclusion, they would then pray again to see if it’s the right one. If they both felt good about their decision, they ended their discussion with another prayer and then would end with some sort of treat.  

One aspect of his method of communicating with his wife I appreciated is that he started and ended on a positive note. By doing this, they are coming closer together and they are allowing the spirit to enter their discussion and help them make the right decisions. I also loved how they always made sure to include the Lord in their decision. 

Effective communication between couples is crucial because by learning how to talk with each other in the right time and place, they will grow closer together and have a happier and healthier relationship. 

 

 

Family Crisis and Coping

 Marriage and family is hard. Yep, it’s not the Disney fairytale that people dream about. Not all families are perfect, and everyone goes through struggles and crises. It’s how we deal with them as a family that makes the difference between growing together or falling apart. 

In the beginning of the week, we went over some of the problems that can arise in families and the impacts it has on the individuals. One of the most common struggles that families deal with is addiction. It could be an addiction to alcohol, drugs, pornography, video games, etc. Alcohol and drugs are the most talked about though because it’s more out in the open and it’s been around the longest. Alcohol addiction often stems from an individual going through some sort of hardship and is looking for a way to cope. It could be that they lost their job, one of their family members are sick, or they are under a lot of financial stress and need something to relax themselves. Another cause of alcoholism is that the person’s parents also struggled with alcohol and it became a habit in their family. Whatever the cause is, alcoholism effects everyone in the family, not just the individual. Some of the effects is that a child or spouse could be abused verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually. Victims of abuse often feel powerless to do anything or feel like it’s their fault that this is happening to them, even though it’s not. This is true for those who experience sexual abuse from their spouse or family member.  

Another addiction that I want to talk about is video game addiction. Video games is the new past time for everyone these days and every day they come out with new ones. Now I don’t believe that people who play video games are bad and they have an addiction to them, but witnessing  the extreme effects videogames can do to a family has put them in a different light for me. I have a good friend whose husband loves to play video games. Every day he comes home from work and goes straight to his office and plays his videogames for the entire day. It’s really sad because he has children and they never see him. Hearing my friend’s experiences about how hard it is to raise her family without the help or support of her husband has made me realize how crucial it is to monitor ourselves so that we can prevent us and our family from developing habits that will damage them and their families. That also means telling a individual when they have a problem. It’s not easy, but the only way to fix something is to first bring it out into the open. 

Today, my professor talked about the different ways families and individuals cope with crises. One of the important points we discussed was that how someone interpreted the crises played a big role on how they dealt with it and how they were able to bounce back. For example, during WW2 a lot of families were split apart because their husbands or fathers had to go fight in the war, and many didn’t come back. This put a huge strain on many families because now the mothers had to be the breadwinners of the family and still take care of everything. This was especially hard because during this time getting an education wasn’t the norm and a lot of people, especially women, had a hard time getting a job because they didn’t have the education for it. So then, these families went through a kind of depression because they believed that they couldn’t get out of their situation. On the other hand, there were those who took their crisis and turned it into an opportunity to grow and learn. The Chinese characters for crisis translate to “danger opportunity”. And it’s true, the way we look at a crisis will determine how we will react and cope with it.